So I’ve been (not) very well these days. Summer is (not) great. I’m (not) so happy. Everything is (not) fine. There are a lot of things going on that I hadn’t expected to happen even in my craziest dreams (trust me, my dreams are way too crazy. I’m considering dream therapy).To be honest, if I get hit on the head by a piano tomorrow, I wouldn’t be surprised. So I’m going to use my sardonic sense of humour as a coping mechanism and later wallow in the miserable state of affairs.
So a few posts ago, I had planned to begin a comedy segment and kind of foray into comedy writing. That is totally (not) going according to plan. Here’s the next post for that comedy theme. I don’t know what to call it, so I’m going to call it ‘Funny How-To’s. You can also call it my autobiography because it is an accurate recreation of how I deal with certain things.
1. How to go to the restaurant.
Start fantasising about the food, hours before you leave the house. Procrastinate everything, because you’re going to a restaurant..! Read Zomato reviews about the restaurant only because your dad asked you to and gain zero knowledge. After what seems like 45638 years of waiting, get dressed to go to the restaurant. Try to wear something classy because judging by the way you eat, people will mistake you for a cannibal. Get into the car and try to control your hunger. Start thinking about those Zomato reviews, realise they weren’t that useless after all and decide to order what the reviews recommended. Destination reached, try not to do an Olympic sprint into the restaurant. Plonk on your seat and scan the menu. Decide Zomato reviews are useless after all and order the same thing you always order. Same goes for whoever is with you. Wait. Wait. Wait. Stare at the waiters and try to establish a telepathic connection to coax them to deliver your food first. Completely fail. Almost break down. Do a celebratory dance when food arrives. Dig in. Forget the world. Decide this will be your usual hang-out place and also decide to befriend the people there and imagine saying “I’ll have my regular” and such things to them in future. Try to be fancy by eating with a fork and a knife and a spoon and a chopstick and all other cutlery nunchuck. Completely fail. Revert to hogging with your hands. Argue about dessert. Order the same ice cream you always order. Decide to never see Zomato reviews again. Patiently wait for the finger bowl as your hand dries. Spend a disgusting amount of time washing your hand in the finger bowl because the warm water feels good against your skin. If you’re Indian like me, wait for the saunf (that’s sugar coated fennel seeds for you fancy people). Shamelessly eat it. Mutter an awkward thanks to the waiter but deep inside you want to salute him and felicitate him for the noble service he is doing. Stumble back to the car because you’re too full to walk. Go home and sleep soundly, conserving all the calories for nothing in particular. Congrats. You grew fatter.
That’s enough bad humour for one post. Let me know if you can relate to this and if I should (not)continue this..!
Deek 🙂 😀