Here’s another post from me which I will shamelessly categorise as funny.
How to survive a family function
Get informed by your parents that a family function is coming up. Start a rebellion, refusing to attend it. Give (un)believable excuses like “Oh I have the most important Math test on that day” or “I’ll have a fever that day”. Listen to one long lecture about family values and the importance of socialising. Trash your rebellion and accept the predicament you are in. Start cribbing about the fact that you have to go to the function days before. One day before you are to go to the function, fight with your mother about your attire for the occasion. Threaten to leave the house. Be threatened. Glumly decide to wear whatever your overlord tells you. Wait in dread for the day.
The day dawns/depressingly looms. Now, for the dressing up. You have to concentrate on the most important part of your look, your face. You will need a dash of despair, disinterest and indifference, coupled with an expression that clearly says “Don’t talk to me”. A light undertone of “Who on earth are you.!?” and “I wish I was anywhere but here” also helps. Helplessly agree to hoard yourself with jewellery on your mother’s request. Argue about your hairstyle with her. By God’s grace, she relents to your idea of a snazzy hairstyle. Cheer up, but just a bit. Plonk yourself on the car seat. Try to be positive by listening to the radio in the car. Completely fail. When you reach the venue, draw a deep breath and prepare for your ordeal.
Be greeted by 345675 relatives who you had met 10 years ago and will meet 19 years later. Brace yourself for a volley of senseless, illogical, stupid questions which include “How did you grow so tall.!?”, “Do you have any guy friends?”and “How are we ever going to find a husband for you.!?”. Answer all such questions with fake smiles, uncontrollable rage seething within you. Give up all hope on Indian society ever broadening their minds. Answer more questions like “Are you going to be a doctor or an engineer?” with unhesitant sarcasm. Wait for the food to be served, so that you can be done with it all. Check your phone like you’re the director of some huge firm and you have some important business, but instead just check a silly text from your best friend who seems to be very happy you’re being put through this whole family function drill. Be introduced to your mother’s uncle’s daughter’s husband’s sister’s aunt and be convinced by your mother that she is a “close” family member. But if you really are a close family member of the people who are conducting the function, things will go downhill. You are assigned duties like distributing flowers to all the female guests or be forced to sing songs when the ceremony is going on. This is expected of you because you’re a girl. If you’re a boy, you will be asked to give directions to poor lost souls who are trying to make their way to the venue but are horribly lost, or you’ll be asked to do some general lifting of chairs or other heavy things. Run around pretending to do work, but actually, you’re just running to stay sane. Later, sit with your face as straight and expressionless as possible. Keep irritating your mother, asking her when you can leave. Get repeatedly shushed. Be forced to take a photo with the bride and the groom if it’s a wedding. Reluctantly smile for the cameras. Be convinced that you don’t have even an ounce of social skills. Be drained of all compassion towards your family. Just when you think you will never get out of this vortex of annoyance, lunch is served.
Wait patiently in front of your plantain leaf till rice is served. Dig in. Face your nemesis while eating, the photographer/videographer who moves about recording every little morsel you put in your mouth. Keep you head bent to avoid him. Finish lunch. Wait in an atrociously long queue to wash your hands. Meet more annoying people there. Wash your hands and wait. Wait. Wait. Once more, be convinced you’re never leaving this place. Finally, after what seems like a decade, when your parents have finished their socialising, begin your journey home. Enter home and feel like you came home after a 14 year exile. Change out of your fancy attire. Ah, the sense of achievement.
If you’re Indian, you can relate to this better..!
Deek 🙂 😀