Embracing the inner Chandler in me, I’m going to use my humour as a self defence mechanism to cope with the conundrum that is my life right now. I do remember saying that I’d experiment with different types of comedy writing, but keeping with the theme of not doing anything that I promise, here’s another funny How-to.
How to survive college
6:45 am. Almost throw your phone because it is beeping in the most annoying way possible. Squint (because you’re blind as a bat) and read the alarm label that you have thoughtfully written. “Get up or else a kitten will die”. Realise that this is the first of the trilogy of alarms to come and that you have ten more minutes of sleep. Go back to sleep. 6:50 am. Annoying alarm beeps again. Label reads “Get up or else your best friend will die”. This has happened many times in your dreams (because your dreams are worse than the things conjured by a person taking every drug at the same time and you’re immune to seeing your best friend die). Curse how fast time flies. Go back to sleep. 6:55 am. More annoying beeping. “Get up or else you will be denied WiFi forever”. Scramble out of bed. Make your bed with a general sense of carelessness.
Finish your morning ablutions. All the while, think of all the annoying people in college and beef up your sarcasm skills. Be reminded your life is so bleak as you don your grey striped uniform that reeks of abysm. Eat like you have no interest in life. Make the journey to college with a stony look. Reach college. Be aware of how depressing your college building looks. Meet your dear college mates. Make polite conversation that is literally useless. Enter class, or rather, your cell for the next seven hours. Be reminded by diligent students of homework that you didn’t do. Beg for a book to copy it from. Copy it. Ah, the sense of achievement. The bell rings. The college prayer blares from the speaker, sung by students with questionable singing talent. Chant it. Sit down in your place, or rather, the place you will be glued to for the next seven hours. Class begins.
Try to listen, because surprisingly, you might like what is being taught and even more surprisingly, you might understand what is actually being said. Works in some classes, just doesn’t in majority of the classes. As the day drags along, be aware of that rumbling in your stomach. Shamelessly ask for food from others and secretly munch on it. By the third period, you have lost the will to live. That’s when the sleep kicks in. Try in vain to keep your eyes open. Drink water unnecessarily, just to drive away the sleep. Doesn’t work. Drop off to sleep for a while without being noticed, which is an art by itself (which requires a separate How-to all for itself). Wake up after 5463789 hours, fresh as ever, ignorant of all that has passed in that time frame. Listen to various teachers lecture about the importance of competitive exams and how you must study for 25 hours a day. Decide that your life is certainly better than a student who attends additional tuition classes because they actually have to study for that long. Remember how amazing school was and how much you miss your school friends. Be excited because it’s almost time for lunch. Check your watch every two seconds, impatiently. The bell signalling lunch break rings. Feel like you’ve been given parole from your time in jail. Rush out to the corridors armed with your lunch box. Meet random people from other branches of study and other walks of life. Pause and talk to the ones who matter and ones whom you genuinely like. Meet that one person you know whose name you just can’t recollect and just say a passing Hi. Join your lunch-friends. Eat lunch on the corridor, because there’s no other open space in the entirety of your college and the other option is sitting in class, which as said before, is a cell. Before you know it, lunch break is over. Head back to class with a heavy heart. The sleep attack is more severe now, owing to your full belly. Fight it, but give in eventually. Be convinced that you are never getting out of this depressing hell. Fight the boredom and the monotony by cheering up yourself, comforting yourself with the thought that the time to go home isn’t far off. In this time, you must have retorted to 17 stupid remarks and seethed with rage at 3 people who have questioned your career choices. Also, you’ve lost all faith in humanity. The final bell rings. Rush out of the college.
Walk as fast as you can to the bus stop. Fish out your student pass and eagerly await your bus. After what seems like an eternity, your bus arrives. Clamber and board the bus, which as a rule, is crowded. Spend the bus journey picturing perfect scenarios or thoughtfully reminiscing milestone events of your life. Get home. Congrats. You survived college.
If you’re an Indian student, you can relate better..! Yes, I do keep weird alarm labels, my best friends do die in my dreams and I eat and sleep in college when I’m supposed to be paying attention.
Deek 🙂 😀